I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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