The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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