just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
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