I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Everyone says I win the strip club
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Randomize
