I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
