Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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