I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
