God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
