Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
