DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
