Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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