put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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