I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
