I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
