smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
