When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Hippo gnu deer
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
