he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
i think i just lost a toe
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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