college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
