This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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