You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
