Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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