Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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