Yo dont text me then not text me
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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