Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
