A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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