mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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