We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
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