Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I smell like Dick and happiness
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
