hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
