Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
