i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Randomize
