When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
