I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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