I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Reggie can tackle my bush.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize