I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize