Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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