woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize