Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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