sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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