I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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