So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize