i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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