this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
All the doctor said was why
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
