So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
