Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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