i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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