If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
