Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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