i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
