Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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