Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
