Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
She needs sedatives and a leash
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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