Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
