When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
