I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
My ATM looks so different sober.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
