you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
