Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
