just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
