This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
