I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
