Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
