i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
