So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
