Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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