Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
