I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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