my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
