He uses pillows to masturbate.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
