I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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