Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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