Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
