Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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