standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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