So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
