so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize